forever

ever since i was a little girl the idea of living forever scared me.
so i learned to put the idea out of my head and just believe that heaven will be amazing and wonderful, even though its forever.

as a teenager i remember people always having questions in my bible classes about how heaven will be... i hated those questions... first because i think its pointless to figure it out cuz the bible says its beyond our imagination... and second because the whole eternity thing always comes into the conversation and i cant avoid thinking about it. so then i would think about it for a few mintues... get totally spooked and then laugh it off and distract myself with the cute boy sitting across the room.. haha.. sike, not at TA...

so through the years i've been able to not really think about the whole forever thing in much detail... until last night.

me and a few friends started a revelation study last night and the conversation somehow went to heaven... it was kinda funny what we were talking about and not all too serious cuz we were at the end of our study together... and that was that... until sleep time.
i laid in bed trying to sleep and this idea of heaven kept creeping back to my conscience... and i'd push it aside, trying to sleep... but it wasn't working, i was not sleeping.
so i decided to let the thought come into my mind all the way so that i could think about it and then it would leave me alone so i could sleep.
and thats when it happened...

i let myself think about forever and love and joy and learning.. and forever again... and i didnt let myself stop thinking about it. i imagined and thought and wondered.
my conclusion?

okay... i know this is gonna sound really weird, but hear me out...
i want to die and "go to hell".

so then when this thought came to surface i was completely surprised. but then i kinda put it together in the overanalytical way that i usually do... and this is what i came up with:

i'm afraid of what i do not know, as are most people. forever and eternity are completely foreign realities to us therefore its kinda scary. and yes, death is also a bit scary but for me death is a lot more familiar than eternity. we are taught that in this life everything has a beginning and end. we see it when we're little as our treasured little flowers die, as our little goldfish/hamsters/birds die... as the seasons change... we come to have some sort of acceptance and understanding of death, and for me, its not very scary at all.
and i already mentioned how i've always been skittish about forever...
so i'm thinking that of course, my subconscience is aware of how i feel about both death and forever... and it picked the familiar comfortable alternative without me really even knowing it.
yea... why do i continue sinning and ignoring god and (i'm not gonna list all my faults but you get the idea) etc..?
because i wanna die... i dont wanna go to heaven... i want this to end eventually.
it sounds bad right?
but its true. as i was thinking last night, i found that its completely true for me. so now what do i do with this information? well... i figure its a pretty good thing that this came to my awareness cuz now i can try and convince myself that heaven will be good, even though i dont understand it. right now living forever sounds horrible, but once i am a part of it i will laugh when i think back to when it was super scary to me.

reflective thinking is so liberating. it brings forth so much information from deep inside the self, and i learn to know me. knowing me has been hard, but its great fun as well.

maybe, just maybe... now that i know this about me... i can try once again to come near to jesus, knowing that the end result will not be scary... i just have to believe that.

World AIDS Day

Last night when I got home my dad handed me a red AIDS ribbon made by ADRA to wear on AIDS day, which is today. So I took it and set it by my keys so I wouldn’t forget to put it on in the morning.
This morning as I was walking out I saw the ribbon and took off the sticky part and stuck it on to my jacket. I then got in my car and drove to the great city of Baltimore for class. The parking garage is about 5 blocks away from the school so I walk happily all the way to class, greeting city dwellers on the way. I noticed people looking at me kinda funny… but I thought nothing of it.
As I’m nearing the glass doors of my destination I see a reflection of myself in the glass.. I slow down to check myself out … and as my eyes move down to my crotch area I stop. There is a crimson red mark on the crotch of my white sweat pants. My eyes go wide, thinking I got my period in a really bad way… then I look down away from the reflection at my crotch… nestled nicely in my crotch is the red AIDS ribbon my father gave me the night before.

That’s gotta be some of the best advertising for abstinence and AIDS awareness ever…

A Formal Welcome

hi.

welcome to waterbear town.
this is quite a delightful town.
the weather is nice most of the time.
some days can get somewhat cloudy and stormy.
but this is normal for most towns to experience.
i'd say most days are sunny with a nice breeze... and a hint of excitement.

waterbear town is only just beginning to expand.
for now there are not many places to visit in this quaint little town.
but soon there will be more to explore.
so keep coming to visit.

i hope you enjoy your stay...