i had no plans this sabbath. i went to church by myself and had no idea what the rest of the day would hold. i ended up in a rickety van with 5 other people and a bunch of sandwhiches, donuts, and a big pot of soup. yup... i went with some friends to feed the homeless.
now, i've been many times to feed the homeless in DC. but never had i experienced feeding the homeless as i did today. many of the guys that came for food were transvestites. a fight broke out between them and the other dudes... one dude was throwing rocks.. another guy found a pole and almost hit another dude... it was crazy.
but what i can't get out of my mind are the young guys, must have been teenagers, that were transvestites. especially this one really young one... he came up to the van looking completely exhausted and drained... we gave him tons of food. he was wearing a little shirt and some blue undies... thats it. most of the young boys had either undies or super short skirts. one guy had on a wife beater with a belt and no undies... and the wife beater was not long...
so this one boy with the blue undies... i just wanted to hug him... he looked so sad and lost. i think he was coming off something... and it looked as if he'd had a really hard and long night... doing who knows what.
i can't get his face out of my mind... but what can i do?
7.21.2007
7.18.2007
shit... it's over.
i am no longer a student. today was my last day of school. its over. i'm done. i have a masters in social work.
before you reply with a hearty, "CONGRATULATIONS", i have to say i'm not excited. so don't bother with your congrats... this whole experience has been anticlimactic, and i don't really know what to think, or how to feel.
i will begin my job as a social worker in child protective services investigations at the department of social services august 29. once again, i'm not excited. this does not mean that i won't be putting my heart and soul into it... but its not what i want to do for life... far from it.
not that i know what i want to do with my life.
i have no idea... i feel like the further i go with my education, the less i know what i want to do with myself and my career... my latest dream involves leaving everything. i have to pay back one year to the state since they paid for my schooling, but after that... i'm thinking that i'll pack up and leave. where? i don't know... somewhere far away... a third world country preferably... to do what? again, i don't know... maybe i'll join the peace corps...
but i'm not excited.
i'm actually sad. and i dont really understand why.
before you reply with a hearty, "CONGRATULATIONS", i have to say i'm not excited. so don't bother with your congrats... this whole experience has been anticlimactic, and i don't really know what to think, or how to feel.
i will begin my job as a social worker in child protective services investigations at the department of social services august 29. once again, i'm not excited. this does not mean that i won't be putting my heart and soul into it... but its not what i want to do for life... far from it.
not that i know what i want to do with my life.
i have no idea... i feel like the further i go with my education, the less i know what i want to do with myself and my career... my latest dream involves leaving everything. i have to pay back one year to the state since they paid for my schooling, but after that... i'm thinking that i'll pack up and leave. where? i don't know... somewhere far away... a third world country preferably... to do what? again, i don't know... maybe i'll join the peace corps...
but i'm not excited.
i'm actually sad. and i dont really understand why.
7.07.2007
feardom
i don't fear the unknown as much as i fear certain past experiences repeating themselves over and over again in my life.
recently, in a film i saw, there was a line that stuck out and grabbed me by the throat, "there is no such thing as a mistake". can this be true?
i can think of many bad decisions i've made that i don't regret... simply because i learned something in the process - i grew in some way - and it benefited me.
but i can also think of a few bad decisions i've made that i regret tremendously... that i wish had never occurred... what do i do with those? were they mistakes? did those bad decisions need to be made for me to grow in a particular way? i really don't think so. i think that maybe i'd be a better person if i had made better decisions... and it's hard for me to forgive myself... and forget.
i remember constantly... and this leads to fear... fear and lack of trust in myself... in my ability to choose wisely... and live right.
fear is bad. living with fear is suffocating and i don't wanna do it anymore. i wish i knew how to squash it...
pray? yea... too bad the whole god thing plays a part in my fears...
but i will continue trying... and living...
recently, in a film i saw, there was a line that stuck out and grabbed me by the throat, "there is no such thing as a mistake". can this be true?
i can think of many bad decisions i've made that i don't regret... simply because i learned something in the process - i grew in some way - and it benefited me.
but i can also think of a few bad decisions i've made that i regret tremendously... that i wish had never occurred... what do i do with those? were they mistakes? did those bad decisions need to be made for me to grow in a particular way? i really don't think so. i think that maybe i'd be a better person if i had made better decisions... and it's hard for me to forgive myself... and forget.
i remember constantly... and this leads to fear... fear and lack of trust in myself... in my ability to choose wisely... and live right.
fear is bad. living with fear is suffocating and i don't wanna do it anymore. i wish i knew how to squash it...
pray? yea... too bad the whole god thing plays a part in my fears...
but i will continue trying... and living...
6.17.2007
my little roane
I'm having a hard time getting out of bed today. My mind wanders and moves to different times in my life... it lingers on some memories... flys by others... and gets stuck when it stumbles upon the memory of Roane, or as he referred to himself, Roaney Bologna.
As some of you know, I was a preschool teacher in a Head Start program for 2 years, not too long ago. I walked into the job not knowing what to expect, having no experience, but ready learn. My first year was difficult because I didn't work too well with the other teacher in the classroom, but the second year was a different experience.
In September of 2005 me and my co-worker, Chrissy, worked our asses off preparing our classroom for the new students. We had many plans and high expectations for the year to come. The first day of school the children came in, shy, exploring their new environment. Our class was made up of 16 children, ages 2 - 5, from many different cultures.
The second week into school we had a new addition to the class. A little 2 and half hear old, with a vocabulary like i've never heard from that age. He was loud, obnoxious, lovable, hilarious, sarcastic, and the class clown all at the same time. I fell in love almost instantly.
Roane wasn't the type that clings to adults. He was very independent, full of questions, and ready to wrestle at any moment. He would tell extravagant stories about insects and airplanes, his favorite subjects. He had the dirtiest little hands, but they were so cute and squishy.
Eventually he warmed up to me... which later turned into my becoming his obvious favorite. His mother would tell me how he would talk about me at home... how he loved me so much... I helped him get potty trained, I helped his family figure out ways to appropriately discipline him, I worked with his mom on a reward system, I played with him, taught him how to put on his shoes, and loved him throughout the year... we grew very close.
Nap time could be difficult at times because he just wanted me to read him books about jets. But he would always finally fall into a restful sleep... and he looked so beautiful... Field trips were always fun as well... he was always at my side, holding my hand, asking me questions about our surroundings... The bus rides on the field trips were crazy... as you can see... sometimes he wasn't too happy...
By February his imagination was really developing and he would lead me into very detailed and complicated make-believe games... usually involving an airplane. He called me his "wing man".
I remember him so well. His voice, his hugs, his cries of frustration, his contagious laughter, the look of mischief he always had... I miss him a lot.
This little boy has no idea the affect he had on me, his teacher. I had no idea I would love a child so much, without having any kind of biological relation to him. But I did, I fell completely in love with this energetic little boy... and I'll never forget him... Today I can't get him out of my head.
As some of you know, I was a preschool teacher in a Head Start program for 2 years, not too long ago. I walked into the job not knowing what to expect, having no experience, but ready learn. My first year was difficult because I didn't work too well with the other teacher in the classroom, but the second year was a different experience.
In September of 2005 me and my co-worker, Chrissy, worked our asses off preparing our classroom for the new students. We had many plans and high expectations for the year to come. The first day of school the children came in, shy, exploring their new environment. Our class was made up of 16 children, ages 2 - 5, from many different cultures.
The second week into school we had a new addition to the class. A little 2 and half hear old, with a vocabulary like i've never heard from that age. He was loud, obnoxious, lovable, hilarious, sarcastic, and the class clown all at the same time. I fell in love almost instantly.
Roane wasn't the type that clings to adults. He was very independent, full of questions, and ready to wrestle at any moment. He would tell extravagant stories about insects and airplanes, his favorite subjects. He had the dirtiest little hands, but they were so cute and squishy.
Eventually he warmed up to me... which later turned into my becoming his obvious favorite. His mother would tell me how he would talk about me at home... how he loved me so much... I helped him get potty trained, I helped his family figure out ways to appropriately discipline him, I worked with his mom on a reward system, I played with him, taught him how to put on his shoes, and loved him throughout the year... we grew very close.
Nap time could be difficult at times because he just wanted me to read him books about jets. But he would always finally fall into a restful sleep... and he looked so beautiful... Field trips were always fun as well... he was always at my side, holding my hand, asking me questions about our surroundings... The bus rides on the field trips were crazy... as you can see... sometimes he wasn't too happy...
By February his imagination was really developing and he would lead me into very detailed and complicated make-believe games... usually involving an airplane. He called me his "wing man".
I remember him so well. His voice, his hugs, his cries of frustration, his contagious laughter, the look of mischief he always had... I miss him a lot.
This little boy has no idea the affect he had on me, his teacher. I had no idea I would love a child so much, without having any kind of biological relation to him. But I did, I fell completely in love with this energetic little boy... and I'll never forget him... Today I can't get him out of my head.
6.08.2007
the good ol' days
today i have an overwhelming feeling of sadness... or maybe its loss... or a yearning for times past...
i miss andrews very much today.
i miss my friends that were there while i was there.
i miss all the girls i'd hang with... i miss the atmosphere... i miss the bed... i had a great bed at andrews... i think i liked it even better than the bed at home at that time...
i miss eating out at random moments with people... i miss sitting around the art building... writing papers while the art students were doing their thing...
i miss the smell... the long drives without traffic.... the corn fields... driving past vineyards when the smell is overpowering... i miss the smell of burning leaves in the fall... i miss not caring about much besides a few classes...
i miss inbetween class coffee breaks at the gas station with ava.... i miss driving to the lake and walking in the sand... jumping in the dunes... i miss singing at mosaic... totally losing myself (thats the only place i've ever been able to do that)...
i miss lazy sabbaths... hearing dwight's sermon series on poverty...
i miss breakfast at the caff with ava or dayleen... i miss running around the campus... i miss yoga classes and the incredible pain the following day... i miss a few of my teachers... i miss dr. stefanovic and dr. cesar a lot.... i miss so many things.. and as i sit here at work.. i cant think of much else... and what sucks is i know that i cant visit that again... if i go to andrews now its completely different... i dont know anyw\one besides my sister and a few of her friends that i've met...
i miss andrews very much today.
i miss my friends that were there while i was there.
i miss all the girls i'd hang with... i miss the atmosphere... i miss the bed... i had a great bed at andrews... i think i liked it even better than the bed at home at that time...
i miss eating out at random moments with people... i miss sitting around the art building... writing papers while the art students were doing their thing...
i miss the smell... the long drives without traffic.... the corn fields... driving past vineyards when the smell is overpowering... i miss the smell of burning leaves in the fall... i miss not caring about much besides a few classes...
i miss inbetween class coffee breaks at the gas station with ava.... i miss driving to the lake and walking in the sand... jumping in the dunes... i miss singing at mosaic... totally losing myself (thats the only place i've ever been able to do that)...
i miss lazy sabbaths... hearing dwight's sermon series on poverty...
i miss breakfast at the caff with ava or dayleen... i miss running around the campus... i miss yoga classes and the incredible pain the following day... i miss a few of my teachers... i miss dr. stefanovic and dr. cesar a lot.... i miss so many things.. and as i sit here at work.. i cant think of much else... and what sucks is i know that i cant visit that again... if i go to andrews now its completely different... i dont know anyw\one besides my sister and a few of her friends that i've met...
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