blue undies boy

i had no plans this sabbath. i went to church by myself and had no idea what the rest of the day would hold. i ended up in a rickety van with 5 other people and a bunch of sandwhiches, donuts, and a big pot of soup. yup... i went with some friends to feed the homeless.

now, i've been many times to feed the homeless in DC. but never had i experienced feeding the homeless as i did today. many of the guys that came for food were transvestites. a fight broke out between them and the other dudes... one dude was throwing rocks.. another guy found a pole and almost hit another dude... it was crazy.

but what i can't get out of my mind are the young guys, must have been teenagers, that were transvestites. especially this one really young one... he came up to the van looking completely exhausted and drained... we gave him tons of food. he was wearing a little shirt and some blue undies... thats it. most of the young boys had either undies or super short skirts. one guy had on a wife beater with a belt and no undies... and the wife beater was not long...
so this one boy with the blue undies... i just wanted to hug him... he looked so sad and lost. i think he was coming off something... and it looked as if he'd had a really hard and long night... doing who knows what.

i can't get his face out of my mind... but what can i do?

shit... it's over.

i am no longer a student. today was my last day of school. its over. i'm done. i have a masters in social work.

before you reply with a hearty, "CONGRATULATIONS", i have to say i'm not excited. so don't bother with your congrats... this whole experience has been anticlimactic, and i don't really know what to think, or how to feel.

i will begin my job as a social worker in child protective services investigations at the department of social services august 29. once again, i'm not excited. this does not mean that i won't be putting my heart and soul into it... but its not what i want to do for life... far from it.

not that i know what i want to do with my life.
i have no idea... i feel like the further i go with my education, the less i know what i want to do with myself and my career... my latest dream involves leaving everything. i have to pay back one year to the state since they paid for my schooling, but after that... i'm thinking that i'll pack up and leave. where? i don't know... somewhere far away... a third world country preferably... to do what? again, i don't know... maybe i'll join the peace corps...

but i'm not excited.
i'm actually sad. and i dont really understand why.

feardom

i don't fear the unknown as much as i fear certain past experiences repeating themselves over and over again in my life.

recently, in a film i saw, there was a line that stuck out and grabbed me by the throat, "there is no such thing as a mistake". can this be true?

i can think of many bad decisions i've made that i don't regret... simply because i learned something in the process - i grew in some way - and it benefited me.
but i can also think of a few bad decisions i've made that i regret tremendously... that i wish had never occurred... what do i do with those? were they mistakes? did those bad decisions need to be made for me to grow in a particular way? i really don't think so. i think that maybe i'd be a better person if i had made better decisions... and it's hard for me to forgive myself... and forget.

i remember constantly... and this leads to fear... fear and lack of trust in myself... in my ability to choose wisely... and live right.

fear is bad. living with fear is suffocating and i don't wanna do it anymore. i wish i knew how to squash it...

pray? yea... too bad the whole god thing plays a part in my fears...
but i will continue trying... and living...