feardom

i don't fear the unknown as much as i fear certain past experiences repeating themselves over and over again in my life.

recently, in a film i saw, there was a line that stuck out and grabbed me by the throat, "there is no such thing as a mistake". can this be true?

i can think of many bad decisions i've made that i don't regret... simply because i learned something in the process - i grew in some way - and it benefited me.
but i can also think of a few bad decisions i've made that i regret tremendously... that i wish had never occurred... what do i do with those? were they mistakes? did those bad decisions need to be made for me to grow in a particular way? i really don't think so. i think that maybe i'd be a better person if i had made better decisions... and it's hard for me to forgive myself... and forget.

i remember constantly... and this leads to fear... fear and lack of trust in myself... in my ability to choose wisely... and live right.

fear is bad. living with fear is suffocating and i don't wanna do it anymore. i wish i knew how to squash it...

pray? yea... too bad the whole god thing plays a part in my fears...
but i will continue trying... and living...