all about my stuff

i've been tagged by dear vanja...
here are the contents of my bag... currently.



::gloves
::27 dresses ticket stub
::visine
::blistex silk&shine lip balm (which jamila uses more than i)
::lip stain
::3 pennies
::dove deo (i'm never without it)
::keys
::gap perfume (a gift from vimie)
::panty liner (you never know...)
::ipod in arm strap
::purell (highly needed in my line of work)
::2 andes candies
::trident splash gum (my favorite)
::black pen
::green highlighter
::blue marker pen
::small notebook (prayer journal/lists)
::wallet
::cell phone
::ear phones
::magazine
:::::::::all inside my wonderful eat local bag given to me by gaby.


i tag.... vimie. aaron. deidre. karen. beni. adriana. andrea. crystal. ellen. kori.
show me what you got!

I don't have it. He does.

I had to go out on a home visit at the end of the day. I was caught up in the office with various things and did not leave the office until dusk. I drove and drove and the road disappeared and I found myself driving on a muddy dirt pathway. I kept driving. I saw nothing but woods and the dirt road. No houses, no people, no stores. I finally saw a house, standing alone and falling apart. I slowed down to see the address and found that it was not the house I was looking for. There was a dark narrow path next to the house and I took that road. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw headlights far behind me. I was being followed. I drove faster. The path was bumpy, full of hills and turns and fallen trees. It was a long drive. The sun had set. I finally arrived at a huge house. Dark and lonely. I parked my car and went inside. It was dark and sticky in that house. Evil and blackness and fear. Shades of gray and black and cold fear in my stomach. As I was in the old dark house a man walked in and went to the back of the house. After a few minutes, the man left. I followed. I ran out of the house, fear taking over. I was crying and choking and I was so afraid. The man got in his pickup truck and drove away, back down the windy narrow dark pathway. I got in my car and fumbled with my keys, trying to hurry and follow the man. My car was stuck in the mud. I panicked. My breathing was quick, my heart was speeding. It was dark and I could barely see. No lights. I put the car in Drive and I walked out in the mud in a rush to push my car, scared that someone would come out of the old dark house and kill me. I gave the car a nudge and it moved. I ran to jump in the car and follow the man. The man was gone. I drove on the narrow dark pathway and I couldn’t see. Then I saw the pick up truck far away and I followed it. The truck turned and the light was gone. My car had headlights but I could not see. It was pitch black but I drove anyway. I was more afraid of what was behind me than the dangers of driving in the woods without seeing the road. I saw the truck again and when I saw the truck I saw light. The path was longer this time and I kept following the man in the pickup truck with the light. I would lose him over hills and on turns, but I would find him again. I was afraid, but I was breathing again. I drove and I followed. The man slowed down and parked next to the first house I had seen. Without knowing why, I parked as well. I parked and I got out of my car. The man came to me and hugged me. His hair dark and curly. His arms big and strong. His sweater soft and gray. I never felt so safe in my life. I never saw his face.


I dreamed a dream last night. Tell me what you think it means.

Email.... sent.

i wrote god an email today.i used to write him in a journal, a journal specifically designated for writing god letters. but i think i've lost the art of writing. Either my hand has lost practice and can't keep up with mt mind anymore, or my thoughts are faster than they used to be and my hand gets left behind with half written words that i can't read after they've been written. so i decided to email instead.

and i just wanted to tell someone, communicating with god... is so good. and i ask myself, why have i taken such a long break from talking to him? is there any good reason? quick answer: no.

i know i'm not the only one that gives god long breaks he never asked for. so if you're one of those people, that like me, has pushed god aside. this is my attempt at encouraging you to step up and communicate... silent prayer, screaming, crying, writing, typing... however it is you communicate with him. don't put it off any longer. come back now... why not?

I Am My Mothers Daughter

As a child my mother was my number one. She was the one I went to for everything. I saw no wrong in her, she was perfect and beautiful and I wanted to be with her always. I grew up a little and got to be a teenager. Mami was no longer number 1, she became kinda lame in my eyes. Many things she did annoyed me, embarrassed me, and I did not want to be with her. Instead I wanted my space and I didn’t want her asking me questions and trying to act like she knew me. I continued to mature and found myself in college, living the dorm life. This improved my relationship with my mother because she wasn’t in my way, so to speak. I began to realize how great I had it with such a loving mother, but so many things still annoyed me and I wouldn’t talk to her too much, just a little. I continued growing, finished school, somehow became a professional, and I moved back home. I am a roller coaster. From month to month things are never the same with me and my relationships with those around me, especially with my mom. But lately, despite the roller coaster, Mami and I are learning how to exist and love and care for each other amidst the shifting of age, maturity, careers, and random changes. The bond between a mother and daughter is precious and working to keep it whole is now a priority. It should have always been.
Growing up there were so many things I vowed I would never be or do, simply because I associated my mother with various characteristics, personality traits, mannerisms, etc. And who wants to be like their mom?? Yikes! But I have always seen my mother in me. I have spent much time disliking those parts of me, pushing them away, trying to make them disappear. Why? Because those are the parts of my mother I don’t like. But I’m done with that. I am learning to embrace the Mami in me. And lets face it, my mom is probably one of the coolest people ever, so having her in me is not a bad thing. It’s actually a very good thing. Why has it taken me so long to realize this?
So… I say it proudly now…. I am my mothers daughter…

I become flustered with simple tasks I’m not accustomed to performing.
When I feel I’m close enough to a person that I can have a say in their life, I nag.
I manipulate with an innocent smile.
I get excited and easily irritated by family when there are lots of guests in the home.
I am sincerely interested in what younger people are doing with their lives but it sometimes comes off as flakey.
I care too much.
If someone tells me something personal and serious I feel like I have a responsibility to “help” them.
I give advice I shouldn’t give.
I have a slight case of scoliosis.
I become involved in other peoples issues without being invited.
I talk too much.
I tear up easily.
I ask too many questions.
I love my family… dearly.
My concern for the less fortunate is so great it has formed my passion for my career.
I give.
I smile often, and giggle when I don’t know what to say or how to respond.
I spend money too easily on people I love.
I call my friends to keep in touch with everyone.
My eyes and cheeks are so big they are basically my entire face.
My legs and arms are too small for my torso.
I love music.
Spirituality has always been important to me.
Judaism intrigues me, as well as all religions, cultures, and beliefs.
Eating is extremely enjoyable for me.
I do good work which results in teachers and supervisors loving me and trusting me.
I assume too much.
When I cook, its pretty darn good.
I’m sensitive.
I'm a chubby kid.
I'm passionate.
I’m easily misunderstood and I easily misunderstand.
I think too much.
I love reading.
I am a malicious Colombian.
I love learning.
I dream big.

Good and bad. I get all of these things from my mother... and many more things as well. They are a huge part of who I am. I Am My Mothers Daughter. For life.

papa

i took a class called death and dying a few years ago at andrews. it was a very interesting class, to say the least. every time the class met we discussed a different aspect of death. the death of loved ones, clients (for social work), and our own death as well. the most awkward thing about that class is that we had to write our own eulogy and epitaph and then read it to the class. i don't even remember what i wrote... i only remember it was extremely difficult to think about and come up with something i felt was good. in that class i had to read tuesdays with morrie. this is a very good book and if you havent read it, you must... at some point. its quite short and a fast read. well, i'm very glad i read that book... and i'm glad i took that class, especially because of the seemingly quick approaching death of my grandfather.

my grandpa has Parkinson's Disease. he's had it for many years now, and its getting pretty bad. he's in his 80's and though he still has in mind very much intact, his body does not respond to his minds commands more and more. and it will only get worse.

lately he's been saying that he is praying a lot about his death. he says that he is asking god that death come in his sleep at home and that he will never have to enter a hospital. my mom was telling me about some forms that the family is trying to get notarized so that if my grandpa has some kind of emergency at home and the ambulance is called, that the paramedics will not resuscitate him and take him to the hospital and connect him to life support. only because that is how he wants it, and prolonging life like that is only more painful for the family to drag it out... and for the patient as well. i get it. i can process the information. but thats my grandpa...

i was over at his house last week and we were talking. i asked him if he and my grandma were planning on going to colombia again for the winter months. he looked at me and told me that he was planning and hoping for a different kind of trip.

i'm glad to know my grandpa is so comfortable with the idea of his own death. i guess i just wasnt prepared to hear him speak of it as if it will happen before the year is over. i want to be comfortable with death as well... i dont want to fear it. i get worried about how my mom and her sisters and brother will fair through the whole ordeal... i worry about what will happen to my grandma... and i worry about many things. but theres no need to worry... and death is natural. why am i so uncomfortable with it?

well... this whole thing has been on my mind a lot lately. then today i just found out that an old friends grandfather died this morning... i knew him well. and its just weird, how life is.. time. i don't know.... but the whole topic has me thinking...

my conclusion? i'm gonna go hang out with papa a bit more... i still have a lot to learn, he's got so many stories to tell me... and there's no time to waste.

blessings

i'm alone again. my mom, dad, and sister left the state all at the same time.. and i'm left here in maryland, in a big ol' house... i get used to it, but its always a little awkward at the beginning of alone time for me.

today i was thinking... and i realized, for the millionth time.... i have incredible friends. i don't have a whole bunch of friends, but the few that i have are so special and beautiful... i wouldnt trade the friendships i have for anything.. they make my life better to live.

i appreciate all my friends... but today i want to give a shout out to three homies that made me smile and laugh when i needed it... more than they know. jamila, deidre, and otis... i love you guys... thanks for being the great friends that you are no matter what... i love you for life.

oh yea, and thanks for your muscles :o)

long lost little treasures

my room is full of stuff. so much stuff. it's amazing how fast random objects accumulate and become clutter. so i have 2 weeks between jobs, and i'm using some of this time to get rid of the clutter... and in the process i have stumbled upon nostalgia time and time again.

there are many things that i have found while cleaning out drawers and dusty corners that have made me sit back and smile... but none so much as my scrap book from my trip to poland. have you seen it? well... next time you come over, remind me, and i'll show it to you... cuz its a great scrap book.

while you are traveling and experiencing a foreign culture and meeting new people, it's hard to imagine forgetting such unique moments... which is why i usually don't bother to scrap book... pictures alone are good enough for me. but i'm so glad that for this one trip, i decided to write along with the pictures. i wrote down stories and details about the people in the pictures. as i read them, i remembered... but i would not have remembered otherwise... and remembering that trip is a blessing.

i went to poland with ruthie, trevan, otis, and alex. we went there for an sda camp meeting that lasted 2 weeks. we were on the leadership team... leading mainly in activities and talks that dealt with prayer. i saw incredible things those 2 weeks... miracles. and i was part of a baptism ceremony like i've never seen before.. or since. i met great people and heard many amazing stories and struggles that they had been through... faith building stories...

jesus was so real to me back then, in 2001. why isnt he as real to me now?

blue undies boy

i had no plans this sabbath. i went to church by myself and had no idea what the rest of the day would hold. i ended up in a rickety van with 5 other people and a bunch of sandwhiches, donuts, and a big pot of soup. yup... i went with some friends to feed the homeless.

now, i've been many times to feed the homeless in DC. but never had i experienced feeding the homeless as i did today. many of the guys that came for food were transvestites. a fight broke out between them and the other dudes... one dude was throwing rocks.. another guy found a pole and almost hit another dude... it was crazy.

but what i can't get out of my mind are the young guys, must have been teenagers, that were transvestites. especially this one really young one... he came up to the van looking completely exhausted and drained... we gave him tons of food. he was wearing a little shirt and some blue undies... thats it. most of the young boys had either undies or super short skirts. one guy had on a wife beater with a belt and no undies... and the wife beater was not long...
so this one boy with the blue undies... i just wanted to hug him... he looked so sad and lost. i think he was coming off something... and it looked as if he'd had a really hard and long night... doing who knows what.

i can't get his face out of my mind... but what can i do?

shit... it's over.

i am no longer a student. today was my last day of school. its over. i'm done. i have a masters in social work.

before you reply with a hearty, "CONGRATULATIONS", i have to say i'm not excited. so don't bother with your congrats... this whole experience has been anticlimactic, and i don't really know what to think, or how to feel.

i will begin my job as a social worker in child protective services investigations at the department of social services august 29. once again, i'm not excited. this does not mean that i won't be putting my heart and soul into it... but its not what i want to do for life... far from it.

not that i know what i want to do with my life.
i have no idea... i feel like the further i go with my education, the less i know what i want to do with myself and my career... my latest dream involves leaving everything. i have to pay back one year to the state since they paid for my schooling, but after that... i'm thinking that i'll pack up and leave. where? i don't know... somewhere far away... a third world country preferably... to do what? again, i don't know... maybe i'll join the peace corps...

but i'm not excited.
i'm actually sad. and i dont really understand why.

feardom

i don't fear the unknown as much as i fear certain past experiences repeating themselves over and over again in my life.

recently, in a film i saw, there was a line that stuck out and grabbed me by the throat, "there is no such thing as a mistake". can this be true?

i can think of many bad decisions i've made that i don't regret... simply because i learned something in the process - i grew in some way - and it benefited me.
but i can also think of a few bad decisions i've made that i regret tremendously... that i wish had never occurred... what do i do with those? were they mistakes? did those bad decisions need to be made for me to grow in a particular way? i really don't think so. i think that maybe i'd be a better person if i had made better decisions... and it's hard for me to forgive myself... and forget.

i remember constantly... and this leads to fear... fear and lack of trust in myself... in my ability to choose wisely... and live right.

fear is bad. living with fear is suffocating and i don't wanna do it anymore. i wish i knew how to squash it...

pray? yea... too bad the whole god thing plays a part in my fears...
but i will continue trying... and living...

my little roane

I'm having a hard time getting out of bed today. My mind wanders and moves to different times in my life... it lingers on some memories... flys by others... and gets stuck when it stumbles upon the memory of Roane, or as he referred to himself, Roaney Bologna.

As some of you know, I was a preschool teacher in a Head Start program for 2 years, not too long ago. I walked into the job not knowing what to expect, having no experience, but ready learn. My first year was difficult because I didn't work too well with the other teacher in the classroom, but the second year was a different experience.

In September of 2005 me and my co-worker, Chrissy, worked our asses off preparing our classroom for the new students. We had many plans and high expectations for the year to come. The first day of school the children came in, shy, exploring their new environment. Our class was made up of 16 children, ages 2 - 5, from many different cultures.

The second week into school we had a new addition to the class. A little 2 and half hear old, with a vocabulary like i've never heard from that age. He was loud, obnoxious, lovable, hilarious, sarcastic, and the class clown all at the same time. I fell in love almost instantly.

Roane wasn't the type that clings to adults. He was very independent, full of questions, and ready to wrestle at any moment. He would tell extravagant stories about insects and airplanes, his favorite subjects. He had the dirtiest little hands, but they were so cute and squishy.

Eventually he warmed up to me... which later turned into my becoming his obvious favorite. His mother would tell me how he would talk about me at home... how he loved me so much... I helped him get potty trained, I helped his family figure out ways to appropriately discipline him, I worked with his mom on a reward system, I played with him, taught him how to put on his shoes, and loved him throughout the year... we grew very close.

Nap time could be difficult at times because he just wanted me to read him books about jets. But he would always finally fall into a restful sleep... and he looked so beautiful... Field trips were always fun as well... he was always at my side, holding my hand, asking me questions about our surroundings... The bus rides on the field trips were crazy... as you can see... sometimes he wasn't too happy...

By February his imagination was really developing and he would lead me into very detailed and complicated make-believe games... usually involving an airplane. He called me his "wing man".

I remember him so well. His voice, his hugs, his cries of frustration, his contagious laughter, the look of mischief he always had... I miss him a lot.

This little boy has no idea the affect he had on me, his teacher. I had no idea I would love a child so much, without having any kind of biological relation to him. But I did, I fell completely in love with this energetic little boy... and I'll never forget him... Today I can't get him out of my head.

the good ol' days

today i have an overwhelming feeling of sadness... or maybe its loss... or a yearning for times past...
i miss andrews very much today.
i miss my friends that were there while i was there.
i miss all the girls i'd hang with... i miss the atmosphere... i miss the bed... i had a great bed at andrews... i think i liked it even better than the bed at home at that time...
i miss eating out at random moments with people... i miss sitting around the art building... writing papers while the art students were doing their thing...
i miss the smell... the long drives without traffic.... the corn fields... driving past vineyards when the smell is overpowering... i miss the smell of burning leaves in the fall... i miss not caring about much besides a few classes...
i miss inbetween class coffee breaks at the gas station with ava.... i miss driving to the lake and walking in the sand... jumping in the dunes... i miss singing at mosaic... totally losing myself (thats the only place i've ever been able to do that)...
i miss lazy sabbaths... hearing dwight's sermon series on poverty...
i miss breakfast at the caff with ava or dayleen... i miss running around the campus... i miss yoga classes and the incredible pain the following day... i miss a few of my teachers... i miss dr. stefanovic and dr. cesar a lot.... i miss so many things.. and as i sit here at work.. i cant think of much else... and what sucks is i know that i cant visit that again... if i go to andrews now its completely different... i dont know anyw\one besides my sister and a few of her friends that i've met...

tie dem strings

i imagine the mind like an empty dome. every time you learn something new a string grows from the top of the dome and dangles down to the bottom. the more you learn, the more strings you have flopping around in there...

knowing different things doesnt make a person intelligent though... maybe it makes them smart.. or a "know-it-all"... but not wise.

i view wisdom and intelligence as the ability to tie the loose ends of those strings that dangle from the dome... being able to connect one fact to another... one experience to another. the more intelligent you are, the more you're able to join the strings and the dome begins to look like a spider web... a spider web is good because that means that when you're confronted with an issue that directly deals with one of your strings, if that string is connected to other strings, you have a lot more information ready and at your finger tips to help you deal with your issue. if you only have the one string, dangling alone... then you don't have much to go by. you may have all the information you need in separate strings, but they arent tied together, you're not going to maximize on your ability to deal with stuff. So tying the strings is very important.

when i tie strings in my mind i get very excited.

did anyone understand that?

What a Line

A wise photographer recently said, "I don't deal with religion in America". Well, why not, you might ask... "because religion in America is bad" he says. He then said something I will never forget... "Bush is giving God a black eye".

Damn...... I'm speechless.....



*** This conversation was relayed to me by my sister... on her first day as a photo assistant she met quite a man... thats some deep shit.

Shop for Kids

Do you want to adopt a child? its easy. Just go to www.adoptuskids.org and find one you like. Once on the website click on the "meet the children" tab and plug in criteria.

You can search for children according to age, race, location, and other criteria. Read about each child to see which one will match your needs best.

Once you find the one you like, simply contact your local department of social services and speak to someone in the Adoption Unit. You will even have their case # from the website to make the process faster.

So if you're interested, shop online for your next child. It's easy!




** Please remember these children may live in your local community. If you happen to see a child that you've read about on the website, please do not approach them to talk to them about adoption. Thank you.

Taken in Vain

It frustrates me when i hear conservative Christians telling children and teenagers that they better not say "Oh my God" or exclaim "Jesus!" because when they do that they are taking Gods name in vain and breaking the third commandment.

I think this is a ridiculous way of thinking. How is saying OMG taking Gods name in vain? What does that mean anyway? God is more than a word, and the word is not what makes him holy or godly.

My view on the issue is different, a little more abstract. For those of us who call ourselves Christians - we carry Christs' name as a part of our identity. Gods identity is not to be taken lightly, and we can read what his character is throughout the bible.

When a person decides to call themselves a Christian, they have decided to take on the identity of Christ - God. Now, when this same "Christian" involves him/herself in "unchristian" activities, thoughts, and actions then they are taking the Lords name in vain. Or in other words, they're being a hypocrite... because they are participating in things which are not a part of Christ's character, and are in fact completely opposite his character.

I am not even going to begin to define what "christian" and "unchristian" activities and thoughts are. Thats up to each person to figure out and struggle with.

I'm not gonna lie... I know I've taken Christs name in vain many times... and I'm ashamed about it. But none of those times involve my saying "Oh my God!"

defying broadway

as many of you know, me and my sister are big fans of the WICKED musical.
well, we've taken it to a whole 'nother level... below you will experience the vocal theatrics of my sister and i... singing defying gravity from the musical. i am playing elphaba (the witch), and adriana is playing glinda (the good).
its super funny... little buddy ammiel video'd it for us... at the end of our fabulous spring break homie party.

so take a look... and laugh... cuz i sure did.

forever

ever since i was a little girl the idea of living forever scared me.
so i learned to put the idea out of my head and just believe that heaven will be amazing and wonderful, even though its forever.

as a teenager i remember people always having questions in my bible classes about how heaven will be... i hated those questions... first because i think its pointless to figure it out cuz the bible says its beyond our imagination... and second because the whole eternity thing always comes into the conversation and i cant avoid thinking about it. so then i would think about it for a few mintues... get totally spooked and then laugh it off and distract myself with the cute boy sitting across the room.. haha.. sike, not at TA...

so through the years i've been able to not really think about the whole forever thing in much detail... until last night.

me and a few friends started a revelation study last night and the conversation somehow went to heaven... it was kinda funny what we were talking about and not all too serious cuz we were at the end of our study together... and that was that... until sleep time.
i laid in bed trying to sleep and this idea of heaven kept creeping back to my conscience... and i'd push it aside, trying to sleep... but it wasn't working, i was not sleeping.
so i decided to let the thought come into my mind all the way so that i could think about it and then it would leave me alone so i could sleep.
and thats when it happened...

i let myself think about forever and love and joy and learning.. and forever again... and i didnt let myself stop thinking about it. i imagined and thought and wondered.
my conclusion?

okay... i know this is gonna sound really weird, but hear me out...
i want to die and "go to hell".

so then when this thought came to surface i was completely surprised. but then i kinda put it together in the overanalytical way that i usually do... and this is what i came up with:

i'm afraid of what i do not know, as are most people. forever and eternity are completely foreign realities to us therefore its kinda scary. and yes, death is also a bit scary but for me death is a lot more familiar than eternity. we are taught that in this life everything has a beginning and end. we see it when we're little as our treasured little flowers die, as our little goldfish/hamsters/birds die... as the seasons change... we come to have some sort of acceptance and understanding of death, and for me, its not very scary at all.
and i already mentioned how i've always been skittish about forever...
so i'm thinking that of course, my subconscience is aware of how i feel about both death and forever... and it picked the familiar comfortable alternative without me really even knowing it.
yea... why do i continue sinning and ignoring god and (i'm not gonna list all my faults but you get the idea) etc..?
because i wanna die... i dont wanna go to heaven... i want this to end eventually.
it sounds bad right?
but its true. as i was thinking last night, i found that its completely true for me. so now what do i do with this information? well... i figure its a pretty good thing that this came to my awareness cuz now i can try and convince myself that heaven will be good, even though i dont understand it. right now living forever sounds horrible, but once i am a part of it i will laugh when i think back to when it was super scary to me.

reflective thinking is so liberating. it brings forth so much information from deep inside the self, and i learn to know me. knowing me has been hard, but its great fun as well.

maybe, just maybe... now that i know this about me... i can try once again to come near to jesus, knowing that the end result will not be scary... i just have to believe that.

World AIDS Day

Last night when I got home my dad handed me a red AIDS ribbon made by ADRA to wear on AIDS day, which is today. So I took it and set it by my keys so I wouldn’t forget to put it on in the morning.
This morning as I was walking out I saw the ribbon and took off the sticky part and stuck it on to my jacket. I then got in my car and drove to the great city of Baltimore for class. The parking garage is about 5 blocks away from the school so I walk happily all the way to class, greeting city dwellers on the way. I noticed people looking at me kinda funny… but I thought nothing of it.
As I’m nearing the glass doors of my destination I see a reflection of myself in the glass.. I slow down to check myself out … and as my eyes move down to my crotch area I stop. There is a crimson red mark on the crotch of my white sweat pants. My eyes go wide, thinking I got my period in a really bad way… then I look down away from the reflection at my crotch… nestled nicely in my crotch is the red AIDS ribbon my father gave me the night before.

That’s gotta be some of the best advertising for abstinence and AIDS awareness ever…

A Formal Welcome

hi.

welcome to waterbear town.
this is quite a delightful town.
the weather is nice most of the time.
some days can get somewhat cloudy and stormy.
but this is normal for most towns to experience.
i'd say most days are sunny with a nice breeze... and a hint of excitement.

waterbear town is only just beginning to expand.
for now there are not many places to visit in this quaint little town.
but soon there will be more to explore.
so keep coming to visit.

i hope you enjoy your stay...