papa

i took a class called death and dying a few years ago at andrews. it was a very interesting class, to say the least. every time the class met we discussed a different aspect of death. the death of loved ones, clients (for social work), and our own death as well. the most awkward thing about that class is that we had to write our own eulogy and epitaph and then read it to the class. i don't even remember what i wrote... i only remember it was extremely difficult to think about and come up with something i felt was good. in that class i had to read tuesdays with morrie. this is a very good book and if you havent read it, you must... at some point. its quite short and a fast read. well, i'm very glad i read that book... and i'm glad i took that class, especially because of the seemingly quick approaching death of my grandfather.

my grandpa has Parkinson's Disease. he's had it for many years now, and its getting pretty bad. he's in his 80's and though he still has in mind very much intact, his body does not respond to his minds commands more and more. and it will only get worse.

lately he's been saying that he is praying a lot about his death. he says that he is asking god that death come in his sleep at home and that he will never have to enter a hospital. my mom was telling me about some forms that the family is trying to get notarized so that if my grandpa has some kind of emergency at home and the ambulance is called, that the paramedics will not resuscitate him and take him to the hospital and connect him to life support. only because that is how he wants it, and prolonging life like that is only more painful for the family to drag it out... and for the patient as well. i get it. i can process the information. but thats my grandpa...

i was over at his house last week and we were talking. i asked him if he and my grandma were planning on going to colombia again for the winter months. he looked at me and told me that he was planning and hoping for a different kind of trip.

i'm glad to know my grandpa is so comfortable with the idea of his own death. i guess i just wasnt prepared to hear him speak of it as if it will happen before the year is over. i want to be comfortable with death as well... i dont want to fear it. i get worried about how my mom and her sisters and brother will fair through the whole ordeal... i worry about what will happen to my grandma... and i worry about many things. but theres no need to worry... and death is natural. why am i so uncomfortable with it?

well... this whole thing has been on my mind a lot lately. then today i just found out that an old friends grandfather died this morning... i knew him well. and its just weird, how life is.. time. i don't know.... but the whole topic has me thinking...

my conclusion? i'm gonna go hang out with papa a bit more... i still have a lot to learn, he's got so many stories to tell me... and there's no time to waste.

blessings

i'm alone again. my mom, dad, and sister left the state all at the same time.. and i'm left here in maryland, in a big ol' house... i get used to it, but its always a little awkward at the beginning of alone time for me.

today i was thinking... and i realized, for the millionth time.... i have incredible friends. i don't have a whole bunch of friends, but the few that i have are so special and beautiful... i wouldnt trade the friendships i have for anything.. they make my life better to live.

i appreciate all my friends... but today i want to give a shout out to three homies that made me smile and laugh when i needed it... more than they know. jamila, deidre, and otis... i love you guys... thanks for being the great friends that you are no matter what... i love you for life.

oh yea, and thanks for your muscles :o)

long lost little treasures

my room is full of stuff. so much stuff. it's amazing how fast random objects accumulate and become clutter. so i have 2 weeks between jobs, and i'm using some of this time to get rid of the clutter... and in the process i have stumbled upon nostalgia time and time again.

there are many things that i have found while cleaning out drawers and dusty corners that have made me sit back and smile... but none so much as my scrap book from my trip to poland. have you seen it? well... next time you come over, remind me, and i'll show it to you... cuz its a great scrap book.

while you are traveling and experiencing a foreign culture and meeting new people, it's hard to imagine forgetting such unique moments... which is why i usually don't bother to scrap book... pictures alone are good enough for me. but i'm so glad that for this one trip, i decided to write along with the pictures. i wrote down stories and details about the people in the pictures. as i read them, i remembered... but i would not have remembered otherwise... and remembering that trip is a blessing.

i went to poland with ruthie, trevan, otis, and alex. we went there for an sda camp meeting that lasted 2 weeks. we were on the leadership team... leading mainly in activities and talks that dealt with prayer. i saw incredible things those 2 weeks... miracles. and i was part of a baptism ceremony like i've never seen before.. or since. i met great people and heard many amazing stories and struggles that they had been through... faith building stories...

jesus was so real to me back then, in 2001. why isnt he as real to me now?

blue undies boy

i had no plans this sabbath. i went to church by myself and had no idea what the rest of the day would hold. i ended up in a rickety van with 5 other people and a bunch of sandwhiches, donuts, and a big pot of soup. yup... i went with some friends to feed the homeless.

now, i've been many times to feed the homeless in DC. but never had i experienced feeding the homeless as i did today. many of the guys that came for food were transvestites. a fight broke out between them and the other dudes... one dude was throwing rocks.. another guy found a pole and almost hit another dude... it was crazy.

but what i can't get out of my mind are the young guys, must have been teenagers, that were transvestites. especially this one really young one... he came up to the van looking completely exhausted and drained... we gave him tons of food. he was wearing a little shirt and some blue undies... thats it. most of the young boys had either undies or super short skirts. one guy had on a wife beater with a belt and no undies... and the wife beater was not long...
so this one boy with the blue undies... i just wanted to hug him... he looked so sad and lost. i think he was coming off something... and it looked as if he'd had a really hard and long night... doing who knows what.

i can't get his face out of my mind... but what can i do?

shit... it's over.

i am no longer a student. today was my last day of school. its over. i'm done. i have a masters in social work.

before you reply with a hearty, "CONGRATULATIONS", i have to say i'm not excited. so don't bother with your congrats... this whole experience has been anticlimactic, and i don't really know what to think, or how to feel.

i will begin my job as a social worker in child protective services investigations at the department of social services august 29. once again, i'm not excited. this does not mean that i won't be putting my heart and soul into it... but its not what i want to do for life... far from it.

not that i know what i want to do with my life.
i have no idea... i feel like the further i go with my education, the less i know what i want to do with myself and my career... my latest dream involves leaving everything. i have to pay back one year to the state since they paid for my schooling, but after that... i'm thinking that i'll pack up and leave. where? i don't know... somewhere far away... a third world country preferably... to do what? again, i don't know... maybe i'll join the peace corps...

but i'm not excited.
i'm actually sad. and i dont really understand why.